Signs You’re Dating an Asshole: Red Flags That Reveal His True Character

Reading time: 14 minutes

Table of Contents

• Introduction: Why We Miss the Red Flags
• Early Warning Signs: First Date Red Flags
• Toxic Communication Patterns
• How He Treats Others: The Respect Indicator
• Emotional Manipulation Tactics
• Control Issues and Boundary Violations
• Real-Life Case Studies: Lessons Learned
• The Impact of Dating Assholes: By the Numbers
• Breaking Free: How to Exit Toxic Relationships Safely
• Your Healing Path Forward
• Frequently Asked Questions

Introduction: Why We Miss the Red Flags

We’ve all been there—caught in the magnetic pull of someone charismatic, only to realize months (or years) later that we’ve been dating an asshole. In fact, according to relationship researchers, about 30% of adults find themselves in a toxic relationship at some point in their lives. The question isn’t whether these people show their true colors—it’s why we sometimes don’t see them.

Dr. Maya Coleman, relationship psychologist, explains: “Often, we mistake intensity for intimacy and controlling behavior for care. Our brain’s reward system can be hijacked by the excitement of dating someone unpredictable, making it harder to recognize problematic patterns.”

The good news? Assholes typically reveal themselves early and often—if you know what to look for. This guide will equip you with the knowledge to identify those red flags before they become relationship-defining problems.

Early Warning Signs: First Date Red Flags

The initial encounters with someone often contain valuable clues about their character that we might dismiss or rationalize away. Here are the earliest warning signs that you might be dating an asshole:

The Respect Test: How They Treat Service Workers

One of the most telling indicators of someone’s character is how they treat people in service positions. Pay close attention to how your date interacts with servers, bartenders, rideshare drivers, and other service workers.

Red flags include:

• Condescension: Speaking down to staff or using a dismissive tone
• Impatience: Showing visible frustration over minor issues
• Entitlement: Acting as if they deserve special treatment
• Poor tipping: Being stingy with gratuity despite good service
• Behind-the-back criticism: Making nasty comments after interactions

As relationship coach Evan Marc Katz puts it, “How someone treats the waiter tells you everything you need to know about how they’ll eventually treat you when they’re comfortable enough to show their true colors.”

Phone Behavior: Digital Red Flags

In our connected world, how someone uses their phone during your time together speaks volumes:

• Constant checking: Inability to be present and engaged
• Secretive behavior: Hiding the screen or taking calls in private
• Broadcasting your date: Excessive social media posting without consent
• Dismissing your boundaries: Continuing phone behavior after you’ve expressed discomfort

Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that “phubbing” (phone snubbing) is associated with lower relationship satisfaction and higher conflict levels. If they can’t put the phone down to focus on you during the honeymoon phase, imagine how it will be later.

Toxic Communication Patterns

Communication forms the foundation of healthy relationships. Assholes typically display distinct communication patterns that undermine connection and create emotional distance.

Conversation Dominance and Interrupting

Pay attention to the balance in your conversations. Does he:

• Consistently interrupt you before you finish speaking?
• Redirect conversations back to himself?
• Appear disinterested when you’re speaking but expect rapt attention when he talks?
• Dismiss or minimize your experiences and opinions?

Dr. John Gottman’s research identified “conversational narcissism” as a predictor of relationship failure. In healthy relationships, there’s a natural give-and-take, with both partners demonstrating curiosity about each other’s thoughts and experiences.

The Blame Game and Defensiveness

Nobody’s perfect, but assholes have a particular way of handling mistakes and criticism:

• Deflection: “You’re too sensitive” instead of “I’m sorry that hurt you”
• Gaslighting: “That never happened” or “You’re remembering it wrong”
• Victimhood: Turning their bad behavior into how they’re actually the victim
• Comparison tactics: “Well, your friend’s boyfriend does worse things”

A 2019 study in the Journal of Personality found that individuals with narcissistic traits consistently externalized blame and demonstrated lower empathy when discussing relationship conflicts.

How He Treats Others: The Respect Indicator

While early dating behavior might be on best behavior with you, how someone treats others in their life provides crucial insights into their true character.

Family Dynamics: The Mother Test

The relationship a man has with his mother and female family members often mirrors how he views women in general. While not every difficult mother-son relationship indicates problems (some family situations are legitimately toxic), pay attention to:

• Disrespectful language when referring to his mother
• Extreme dependence or unhealthy attachment
• Dismissive attitude toward female family members’ opinions
• Different standards of respect for male vs. female relatives

Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes, “The way someone speaks about their mother, especially when frustrated, can reveal deeply held attitudes about women that may eventually surface in your relationship.”

Ex-Partner Patterns

How someone speaks about their past relationships reveals much about their emotional maturity and capacity for accountability:

• The Victim Narrative: “All my exes are crazy” (the common denominator is him)
• Demonization: Inability to acknowledge any positive aspects of past relationships
• Zero Accountability: No recognition of their contribution to relationship failures
• Ongoing Hostility: Excessive anger or bitterness years after breakups

According to relationship therapist Esther Perel, “How people tell the story of their previous relationships tells you a lot about how they process experiences, assign responsibility, and integrate lessons learned—or don’t.”

Emotional Manipulation Tactics

Assholes excel at emotional manipulation tactics that keep partners off-balance and questioning their own perceptions.

Love Bombing and Future Faking

Be wary of relationships that move at warp speed with promises that seem too good to be true:

• Excessive compliments and attention early in the relationship
• Grand romantic gestures that feel disproportionate to your actual connection
• Making serious commitments (discussing marriage, children, moving in) within weeks of meeting
• Intense declarations of having “never felt this way before” very early on

Dr. Dale Archer, psychiatrist and author, explains: “Love bombing works because it’s hard to distinguish from the honeymoon phase of a healthy relationship. The difference is in the intent—genuine connection versus manipulation—and the dramatic shift that follows once you’re hooked.”

Emotional Withholding and Silent Treatment

Watch for these emotional punishment tactics:

• Withdrawing affection when you don’t meet their expectations
• Using silent treatment instead of communicating when upset
• Creating “hoops” you must jump through to regain their approval
• Unpredictable hot/cold behavior that keeps you anxious about the relationship status

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence classified emotional withholding as a form of psychological abuse associated with increased anxiety and depression in partners.

Control Issues and Boundary Violations

Control in relationships often begins subtly but escalates over time. Early warning signs include:

Relationship counselor Lisa Aronson Fontes, PhD, warns: “Control rarely begins with overt demands. It typically starts as ‘helpful suggestions’ or expressions of care that gradually evolve into expectations and then requirements.”

Real-Life Case Studies: Lessons Learned

Case Study 1: Megan’s Experience with Covert Control

Megan, 32, spent three years with a partner whose controlling behavior was masked as “concern.” Their relationship began intensely, with daily flowers and constant contact that felt flattering—until it didn’t.

“At first, I thought James was just thoughtful when he’d text to check on me throughout the day,” Megan recalls. “But gradually, if I didn’t respond quickly enough, he’d become increasingly anxious, then angry, questioning who I was with and why I was ‘ignoring’ him.”

The control escalated subtly: comments about her clothing being “too revealing,” questioning her need for girls’ nights, and eventually, accusations of flirting whenever she had normal interactions with other men.

“The breaking point came when I realized I was exhausted from managing his emotions and had changed virtually everything about my life to avoid his disapproval. I was constantly walking on eggshells.”

Lesson learned: Control often masquerades as care or protection. When you find yourself constantly adjusting your normal behaviors to manage someone else’s reactions, it’s time to reevaluate.

Case Study 2: Daniel’s Experience with Accountability Avoidance

Daniel, 28, noticed a pattern in his year-long relationship with his ex: nothing was ever her fault, and problems were always due to his “misunderstanding” or “overreaction.”

“If she was three hours late, it was because I ‘should have known’ she meant evening, not afternoon. If she said something hurtful, I ‘took it wrong’ or was ‘too sensitive.’ I eventually realized there wasn’t a single instance where she had simply said ‘I made a mistake’ or ‘I’m sorry.'”

This pattern extended to her past relationships, which all ended because her exes were “crazy” or “couldn’t handle a strong woman.”

“I started documenting our conversations because I thought I was losing my mind. This helped me recognize the gaslighting and see that I wasn’t misremembering or overreacting.”

Lesson learned: A partner who can never admit fault or offer a genuine apology won’t be able to grow with you in a relationship. The inability to take accountability indicates a fundamental lack of emotional maturity.

The Impact of Dating Assholes: By the Numbers

The psychological impact of toxic relationships extends far beyond the relationship itself. A landmark study published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress found that emotional abuse can create trauma responses similar to those experienced in physically abusive relationships, including:

• Hypervigilance (constantly being on alert for signs of disapproval)
• Difficulty trusting your own perceptions (result of gaslighting)
• Reduced self-confidence and decision-making abilities
• Anxiety and depression symptoms that persist after the relationship ends

The good news? Research also shows that with appropriate support and distance from toxic partners, these symptoms improve significantly within 6-12 months of ending the relationship.

Breaking Free: How to Exit Toxic Relationships Safely

Recognizing you’re dating an asshole is the first step. Safely extracting yourself is the critical next phase.

Safety First: Assessing Risk Levels

Not all toxic relationships involve the same level of risk when ending them. Consider these factors when planning your exit:

• History of volatility: Has he shown intense anger, property damage, or physical intimidation?
• Threats of self-harm: Has he suggested he couldn’t live without you?
• Access to your personal spaces: Does he have keys to your home, passwords to accounts?
• Financial entanglement: Are your finances connected in ways that could be weaponized?

If any of these factors are present, consider consulting with a domestic violence advocate before making your exit plan. Organizations like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offer free, confidential guidance.

The Clean Break Approach

Research consistently shows that clean breaks are more effective than gradual distancing when ending toxic relationships:

1. Prepare logistically: Secure important documents, establish financial independence, and arrange alternative living situations if necessary before announcing the breakup.
2. Communicate clearly but briefly: Focus on your decision rather than their behavior. “I’ve decided this relationship isn’t working for me” is clearer than a list of their faults, which invites debate.
3. Establish contact boundaries: Be explicit about communication limitations moving forward (e.g., “I need space with no contact for at least three months”).
4. Enlist support: Have friends or family present during the conversation or immediately afterward if safety is a concern.
5. Block digital access: Prevent the back-and-forth that often follows breakups by limiting digital contact paths.

Relationship therapist Dr. Cortney Warren emphasizes, “The most common mistake is allowing negotiations after you’ve decided to end things. This isn’t a business deal—it’s your wellbeing. You don’t need the other person to agree with your decision for it to be valid.”

Your Healing Path Forward: Reclaiming Your Relationship Confidence

Breaking free from an asshole isn’t the end of your story—it’s the beginning of reclaiming your authentic self and your ability to form healthy connections. Here’s your roadmap for healing:

1. Recognize the Patterns (Without Self-Blame)

• Identify what red flags you missed or rationalized
• Understand your personal vulnerabilities without judgment
• Recognize that skilled manipulators target even the most emotionally intelligent people

2. Establish Your Non-Negotiables

• Define clear relationship boundaries based on what you’ve learned
• Create a concrete list of behaviors you will not tolerate in future relationships
• Practice articulating these boundaries confidently

3. Rebuild Your Support Network

• Reconnect with friends and family who may have been sidelined
• Consider therapy or support groups specific to toxic relationship recovery
• Surround yourself with people who model healthy relationship dynamics

4. Trust Your Intuition Again

• Practice noticing your body’s warning signals when something feels off
• Journal about instances where your instincts were right but you dismissed them
• Give yourself permission to act on your intuition without needing “proof”

Remember, dating an asshole doesn’t define you—how you grow from the experience does. As relationship expert Brené Brown notes: “When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.”

The most powerful question to ask yourself now isn’t “How did I let this happen?” but rather “What have I learned that will help me create the authentic connection I truly deserve?” Your wisest self already knows the answer—and that self is worth listening to.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is there a difference between dating an asshole and being in an abusive relationship?

Yes, though there’s significant overlap. “Asshole” behaviors exist on a spectrum, with some representing poor emotional intelligence or immaturity, while others qualify as emotional abuse. The key distinction: abusive behavior is part of a systematic pattern of control and power imbalance. All abusers are assholes, but not all asshole behaviors rise to the clinical definition of abuse. However, even non-abusive asshole behaviors can cause significant emotional harm and erode self-esteem over time. Trust your experience—if a relationship is damaging your wellbeing, the technical classification matters less than your need to prioritize your health.

Can assholes change their behavior with enough love and patience?

Research in personality psychology indicates that significant behavior change requires three elements: 1) the person must recognize and own their problematic behavior, 2) they must be internally motivated to change (not just to keep you), and 3) they must be willing to do consistent work, often with professional help. Psychotherapist Terrence Real notes that transformation typically happens only after clear consequences—usually the relationship ending or being seriously threatened. Love and patience alone rarely create change; in fact, they often enable the continuation of problematic behavior by removing natural consequences. The hard truth: you can’t love someone into treating you better.

How do I stop attracting assholes in my dating life?

The framework of “attracting” certain types suggests you’re somehow magnetizing these people, which isn’t accurate. Instead, consider that we all encounter difficult people, but some of us have been conditioned to tolerate poor treatment longer or miss early warning signs. Psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson suggests focusing on developing your “emotional guardrails”—the internal alert system that helps you recognize and respond to red flags earlier. Practical steps include: examining patterns from your family of origin that normalized problematic behavior, practicing setting small boundaries in everyday situations, building a “relationship peer review board” of friends who model healthy relationships, and being willing to walk away after the first significant red flag instead of waiting for a pattern to develop.